Wednesday, May 24, 2006


I was talking to my mom the other day and we were discussing what my earliest memory was. I told here It was my oldest sister handcuffed to the piano. I also remember playing hide and go seek with her and not being able to find her, because she ran away. I told here, no wonder I turned out the way I did. That's some traumatizing stuff for a kid. I couldn't of been more than 5 or 6 at the time.. There is so much of my child hood that I have blocked out. Some of the things I do remember, no one else does. I wanna say that I have some deep seeded issues, but really, they aren't that deep and I know the cause of all my issues. Rachel. Rachel is my twin sister. When we were 7 months old she got sick and ended up losing her hearing. So it was "Awe poor little deaf girl". I would get pushed aside. When we turned 8 she had a near drowning incident. The results from that were some brain damage and seizures. So she became the poor little deaf girl with seizures, and as for me I got pushed aside even further. By the time I reached middle school, I really had a lot of resentment towards her. My mom had tried to have a special day once a month with me but that didn't last very long. During my 8th grade year my sister became very violent with her behavior. She would try to beat the shit out of us if she didn't get what she wanted. Most of the time I stepped in and took all the beatings for my mom. I realized at one point during that time, that I had made many wishes to take away every thing that was wrong with Rachel and have it put on me instead. I would say to myself, "Why couldn't I be Rachel". Towards the end of middle school and for all of my high school years my mom was never there. She went back to school. Most of the time I would end up walking home from school because my mother would forget about picking me up, or forget about giving my bus money. I didn't like my mom back then. She would never let me go anywhere or do anything. She would accuse me of doing all kinds of things. Finally I started to do them. I skipped most of my 9th grade year. For 10th grade my mom sent me to a private school. I hated her for that. She took me away from all my friends again. She kept thinking I was going to end up like my older brother and sister. She didn't trust me. I hated that. I didn't do anything to bad. Except for the skipping school thing I hadn't done anything to make her not trust me. Oh gosh, I'm sorry for going on like this, I forgot what it was I had started to talk about before all this came out. I was in a good mood early, then all of a sudden I just started wanting to cry. There's just a lot going on right now. Last week of school, and stuff in my home life. It's stressful..

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